Dear Parents...

*DISCLAIMER:
Please note that all the things I am mentioning here are in the past. This is purely a message for parents to understand the importance of influence on their child*

Dear Parents,

This week has been tough for me, because my brain, once again, took over. It is a common occurrence for me to have these moments of deep thought, thoughts which are flooded with painful memories of my upbringing.

My mum is probably the most amazing person anyone could ever meet. She showered me with love, happiness, and had genuine pride in all my achievements. She taught me to be the best that I could be and still to this day she wishes for me to have a better life than hers. Because of her I am determined to do the best that I can; that is my life's mission.

You always hear people ask, who's your favourite parent, and most people don't want to admit the awkward truth. At one point of my life neither did I but now I am older and look back I've realised that I do have a favourite.

I love my dad. My dad is so precious to me but such a closed soul. He's protective (maybe a little too much sometimes) but I know for sure that he cares for me. We laugh together, can have conversations, and understand one another. But let me remind you, I am a mature adult. As a child this connection between the two of us was non-existent.  The sad thing is, I used to believe he didn't love me, and what's even sadder is that I would cry wishing he would look at me the way my mum did.

My parents divorced when I was only two years old so I never had any experience in having a united family unit. That never bothered me so much, but the thing that would bother me was having to be tossed from one parent to the other; mum on the weekdays, dad on the weekends.

Like I said before, my mum means the world and back to me and I don't know what I would ever do 

without her, but my dad is a different story.

Being with my dad on the weekends was difficult. He would be so strict. He treated his house like a show home, you would never think he had children. I wouldn't be allowed to play with my toys in the living room as it would leave a mess, there were no snacks in the kitchen for me to eat so would go hours without food. What saddens me the most, however, is the lack of love he would show me. My mum would drop me off to my dad's house with a kiss goodbye but as soon as I stepped inside my dad's house he would greet me with a simple "hi" then go upstairs to his bedroom for the rest of the night leaving me, a vulnerable child, on my own. There would be some days where I would wake up in the mornings and make breakfast for myself and not see him until the afternoon when he would make me lunch. Then he would go upstairs again and it would only be at dinner that I would see him again. I was always scared that maybe he had passed out in his bedroom, or that he was in danger, but that fear I felt was too strong that I couldn't bring myself to even knock on his door. What if he shouted at me for disturbing him? What if I was getting in the way? So I would just stay in my room and draw. Man, I loved to draw; it was my only escape. One day, I was about nine or ten years old at this point, and I have such a vivid memory of it, I had drew a picture and I was so proud of it that I decided to stick it on my bedroom door... the next morning the picture was gone. My dad had gotten rid of it. It was at that point that I felt so... alone... Did I do something wrong?

Now I am an adult and my relationship with my dad is completely different. I can have meaningful and sophisticated conversations with him unlike as a child when I could barely say a word to him in fear of getting told off for being a kid.

I hoped that telling the depressing story of my childhood would help parents to understand the effects a parent has on their child. I love my dad, but I am not afraid to say that because of him I had such low self esteem, because of him I was afraid to speak, because of him I had no confidence, because of him I felt like everything I did was wrong so the only way to avoid trouble was to stay silent.

I had no childhood and that is something that haunts me everyday and still as an adult makes me cry for hours at the thought. The way I was raised by him scarred me and I hate to say it but it's true. Whatever made a child happy he would hate, and that lead me to question everything I did. Was it wrong to play? Was it wrong to jump about?

Now I am older I can look back and pick out excuses for his choices. His OCD followed by bereavement must have had an impact on him, but as a result I had to live a lonely childhood. Can you imagine a little girl too afraid to go out into the garden because she might get told off? Can you imagine a child too afraid to tell their parent that they're hungry?

I am lucky to have the parents I have, and I know there are much worse situations for other children out there, but I need to let parents know something very important to me:

Your child looks up to everything you do, and they will always think you're right. You are such a CORE influence in their lives, so whatever you do will completely shape their future. I spent my childhood in fear of my father and my teenage years afraid of being judged by others because of this. It was only thanks to my mother that I found the determination I needed to look past this. I will admit, it is still hard and I envy the children who were free to be a kid and not suffering from loneliness. No child should ever feel that way. So, dear parents, if you are going through something personal DO NOT take it out on your children and seek help instead of closing yourself in; you deserve the best for you and your child. If you are not ready to commit to a child's needs then don't have a child until you are ABSOLUTELY ready, and I cannot stress this enough. No child deserves to wake up in fear or deserves to hate themselves. YOUR CHILD COMES FIRST. My dad spent every passing day in his bedroom without ever acknowledging his dependent child, but now he has learnt and is a good man.

I am so happy that he is better and I can see that he loves me for me, but it is so important for you to make sure that your child secures a positive childhood for a positive future.

And dear children,

If you are experiencing any kind of neglection then please speak to someone. I never told my mum how lonely and unloved I felt with my dad because it started to feel normal. But it's not normal. No child should struggle with mental health, and a parent's priority should be a child's wellbeing. Please speak. You will feel better after doing so.

~ Ella